When I think about working, I am of two minds. I loved working as an actress, though I confess I had times I hated it, too., for the effort it cost me and the psychic drain. But work, doing the work, was all I lived and breathed for, for over 60 years. I loved rehearsing, discovering, — and most of all I loved the team aspect of it. I loved the camaraderie and the creation with others. It fed me and made me feel alive. The joy of working was palpable. And, as for so many of us in this profession, it defined me, and gave me a sense of purpose, a raison d’etre. I often felt I barely knew who I was without the definition of the job. I never married, I had no children, so the job, the work, became my be-all and end-all. In a way, that was a good thing, I could really focus and put all my concentration on the work, without close familial distractions. Oh the other hand, I didn’t have a nearby family to be my safety net. And I often felt that keenly.
In the theatre, we often become one another’s families. The work sort of makes that happen. The intimacy, the hours of rehearsal and creation, bind you to a group of people in a special way. As much as we play to please the audience, there is also an undercurrent of us against them—you know, we talk about the house, the audience, and how they were tonight., and how they received this or that bit of business, or song. So we jell as a group around our work. It is life-giving, and joyous, and supportive, and eye-opening, and challenging, and so much of what we want the best things in our lives to be.
Now, however, I have turned 80, and I look back on work as thru the wrong end of a telescope. It seems very small and far-away. It was a slow process, the gentle separation from work. The motor sort of slowed down and then stopped — the desire that fueled all that energy and striving and reaching for attainment and community esprit. But… happily, because of two unions, Actor’s Equity Association and Screen Actors guild, I get a pension, which came as a wonderful surprise. I always worked for the work and never thought about a pension, but sure was glad it was there when I became older. So I celebrate unions.
I have to say it is a bit of a relief not to be working. Work was so all-encompassing for me, that it is more peaceful not to be striving in that way. I’m grateful that my attachment to work has eased at the same time as my body has given me ultimatums about what I can and cannot do anymore. I LOVED working beyond measure. And now I am happy to let it go. It was so fulfilling, and I feel grateful to have had such a good, long run at it. Work and I served each other well. And now there’s jam-packed retirement. I miss the camaraderie the most—not the work itself so much, but the people I have been so lucky to have worked with and that magical sense of a company. I do sometimes have musings about characters I played. After all, they were people I worked with, too.
But the overwhelming joy, the thrilling energy of being caught up in a work that you share with others, AND that has a connection to an audience full of people—there is nothing to compare it with in the world. That exhilaration is what the work means and meant to me.
